The Broom Cupboard Incident
by of-convoluted-disillusion
Summary: In which Prongs is hypothetical, Padfoot may or may not have concentration issues and Moony suffers from pre-transformation anger management issues. Better than it sounds, I promise! Please R & R!


**Hey, everybody! Basically this is just my attempt at banter between the Marauders. Hope you like it :)  
(and if you do, could you please let me know, and I will publish more stories)**

**Hi there! I'm a disclaimer and I'm here to rub in the fact that Kaiya does NOT own Harry Potter! Siriusly, it all belongs to JK and I make no profit from this. I'm just borrowing my favourite characters, having a little fun and returning them with nothing more than a slight loss of Remus Lupin's dignity.**

**Oh, and this takes place sometime during their 6th year, by the way ;)**

* * *

**What Happens in the Broom Cupboard Stays in the Broom Cupboard**

_The following is a whispered conversation in the back of a history of magic lesson:_

**Sirius:** Hey, Moony…Moony? MOONY!

**Remus:** Can I help you? Or do you just like saying my name?

**Sirius:** Aw, cute. Are you flirting with me?

**Remus:** I think I may vomit.

**Sirius:** Why? You didn't eat anything from the Slytherin table this morning, did you? Because we warned you about that.

**Remus:** No, I was merely expressing my disgust at your suggestion.

**Sirius:** Moony, how many times? We will all accept you no matter who you like!

**Remus:** I'm touched. And for the record, the feeling is by no means mutual.

**Sirius:** …not following.

**Remus:** Well, let's just say that if I heard a rumour that you had, for example, confessed your undying love for me, I would avoid you like the plague.

**James:** Steer clear of Hufflepuff, then.

**Sirius:** What? Prongs, what is the meaning of this insinuation?

**James:** Have you been reading Moony's dictionary again?

**Sirius:** What?

**James:** Do you even know what 'insinuate' means?

**Sirius:** Of course I do! You're insinuating my stupidity in this very conversation as we speak!

**James:** So you could tell me what it means, then, so I know you're not just guessing?

**Remus:** I love it when you two pick on someone else, especially each other. It's such a nice change.

**Sirius:** Insinuate: to heavily imply.

**James:** Alright, alright, you know what it means.

**Sirius:** Ha! Told you so!

**Remus:** Anyway, Prongs, why do we want to steer clear of Hufflepuff?

**Sirius:** What? When was this?

**Remus:** The incident in question was a mere thirty-five seconds ago, Padfoot. In all seriousness, your attention span is startlingly short.

**James:** At least he didn't swallow a dictionary.

**Sirius:** Ooh, burn!

**Remus:** ...never say that again.

**Sirius:** Agreed. Now, what was this about Hufflepuff?

**James:** You remembered?

**Sirius:** It was only twenty seconds ago.

**Remus:** Prongs, would you just tell us before someone gets distracted again?

**James:** Ok. Well, don't kill me, but my sources can report that Bertha Jorkins told her Hufflepuff friends that she caught the two of you crawling out of a broom cupboard together, looking…dishevelled.

**Remus:** Oh. Did she see this last night, by any chance?

**James:** I believe so.

**Remus:** Padfoot, do you still have that magical knife?

**Sirius:** Yeah, it's in the top drawer next to my bed. Why?

**Remus:** I'm going to use it to disembowel you in your sleep.

**Sirius:** Oh. That's not so bad. Actually, by your usual standards, that's like a hug!

**Remus: **Then I'm going to castrate you and chop off all your hair.

**Sirius:** That sounds more like the Moony I know. But please, not the hair.

**Remus:** Say goodbye to your locks, Black.

**James:** Jeeze, Pads, what did you do to have him threatening the hair?

**Sirius:** Nothing!

**Remus:** Oh?

**Sirius:** Okay, Prongs. Say you were a sixth year Gryffindor prefect, and maybe happened to have a…problem, of sorts.

**James:** What kind of problem?

**Sirius:** The kind where you painfully transform into some kind of vicious, bloodthirsty monster on a monthly basis.

**James:** Wait a moment. I'm Moony?

**Remus:** But not as good looking.

**James:** Please, Moony, have mercy. It's hard enough for me having Gorgeous here as my best mate; I don't think my ego can survive a blow like that from you.

**Remus:** You're an uglier version or you're not me at all.

**James:** Who says I want to be you, anyway? I'd much rather be He In All His Holy Majesty, with his dark locks and stormy eyes and girls falling all over his feet.

**Sirius:** Finally, some appreciation!

**Remus:** Really, Prongs. There's no need to say kind things to him.

**Sirius:** Ouch.

**Remus:** It will only boost his ego, and he's more than capable of doing that himself.

**James:** Fine! I'd still rather be Padfoot than Moony, just saying.

**Remus:** Thanks, Prongs.

**Sirius:** I'm sure it's nothing against you, Moony. It's all to do with the women- he wouldn't stand a chance if he was you.

**Remus:** And thankyou Padfoot. I feel just spectacular now.

**Sirius:** Anytime.

**James:** So it's settled. I get to be Padfoot.

**Sirius:** Bugger off, I'm Padfoot!

**James:** But I don't want to be Moony!

**Remus:** Why do you have to be either of us? Can't you just be Prongs?

**James:** But Padfoot said I have to be Moony!

**Sirius:** Actually, I just said you had to be a sixth year Gryffindor prefect who goes bonkers and tries to axe murder everyone whenever it's his time of month.

**Remus:** What did I say about calling it that?

**Sirius: **Sorry. A sixth year Gryffindor prefect who goes bonkers and tries to axe murder everyone once a month.

**James:** So...Moony? Wait, I'm confused. I thought I was Prongs?

**Remus:** OK, for the purpose of the conversation, Prongs is Moony and I am an innocent bystander, quietly observing from the shadows.

**Sirius:** With your axe.

**Remus:** Full moon in two days, bitches. Look out.

**James:** What was the conversation, anyway? I've forgotten.

**Remus:** Padfoot was kindly explaining why I intend to put my metaphorical axe to good use at the next opportunity.

**James:** Ah, yes. Carry on, Padfoot.

**Sirius:** Thank you. Anyway, you're in a bad mood because there's only a few days until you...wield your metaphorical axe, and you're not feeling your best.

**James:** Why does axe wielding make me not feel my best?

**Sirius:** I don't know. Moony?

**Remus:** It's exhausting.

**James:** It's just an axe!

**Remus:** It's a very heavy axe and you have to wield it all night.

**Sirius: **Can we just forget the axe?

**James:** You brought it up.

**Sirius:** It was a metaphor!

**Remus:** It's a good metaphor. I quite like the image of myself putting its metaphorical blade to good use on your very real, exposed neck.

**Sirius:** That doesn't sound too good. Let's move away from the axe.

**James:** Do I want to know why Padfoot is exposing his neck to you? Or is it a case of 'what happens in the broom cupboard stays in the broom cupboard?'

**Sirius:** Urgh. Don't even go there, Prongs. Just-urgh. You're disgusting. You're foul. I'm going to be sick.

**Remus:** You've just made the list for crazy axe murder victims, Potter.

**James:** Sorry, but that was too good to pass up. So, moving away from metaphorical axes- I wasn't feeling my best, Padfoot?

**Sirius:** No, you weren't. You felt bloody awful, and you were reasonably pissed that you had to patrol the dungeon corridor, which happens to be dangerously close to the Slytherin common room. For the sake of this entirely hypothetical situation, you have a mate who has an annoying younger brother in Slytherin.

**James:** The situation is hypothetical, now? But I thought I was Moony?

**Sirius:** Oh, you are! But Moony is hypothetically patrolling the corridor. You don't mind going for a hypothetical stroll in the dungeons, do you, Moony?

**Remus:** Did you hear that?

**James:** Hear what?

**Remus:** That extremely loud noise.

**Sirius:** No, but if it was important, I can probably recreate a similar one for you so that you know what made it.

**Remus:** As tempting as the offer is, I already know what made the noise.

**James:** What was it?

**Remus:** It was my mind deciding that it was sick of you two. Padfoot, you officially managed to drive me to the point of a full scale brain implosion.

**Sirius:** This calls for celebration. Anyone have any firewhiskey?

**James:** We've pretty much drunk through our secret stash, but I hid a few spare bottles inside Moony's mattress. You know, just in case.

**Sirius:** I knew there was a reason I liked you.

**Remus:** *bangs head repeatedly against desk* somebody kill me.

**Sirius:** I'll do it!

**Remus:** Please.

James: It'll have to wait, guys. I believe we were discussing my hypothetical mate's hypothetical, annoying little brother.

**Sirius:** I wish my brother was hypothetical.

**Remus:** I wish my friends were hypothetical.

**Sirius:** Do you actually have a purpose? Or are you just here to drop scathing remarks whenever the conversation starts getting back on track?

**Remus:** Your lives would be meaningless without me. You love me to pieces.

**Sirius:** Any axe related comments here will result in a severe and possibly deadly hex.

**James:** Damn it, I had a good one, too!

**Sirius:** Don't say it.

**James:** Fine.

**Sirius:** Okay, we're getting off track.

**Remus:** Again.

**Sirius:** Moony, you are just asking to find flobberworm mucus all over your pillow.

**Remus:** You wouldn't.

**Sirius:** Do you know me at all?

**Remus:** No, I mean you wouldn't because you're probably terrified of flobberworms.

**Sirius:** What is there about a flobberworm that could possibly scare anyone?

**Remus:** Well then you'd be worried about getting the mucus in your hair.

**Sirius:** ...hey, Prongs, do you have any flobberworm mucus?

**James:** Not on me, no. Why?

**Sirius:** I need to pour something unpleasant over Moony's head.

**Remus:** Okay, you didn't even get back on track this time and you're off it again.

**Sirius:** Thanks to you.

**Remus:** Anytime.

**Sirius:** I'm going to blame your inability to communicate with any form of pleasantry on the fact that your lycanthropy tends to make you horribly moody.

**Remus:** It's going to make you horribly disfigured in a minute if you don't stop carrying on about it.

**Sirius:** Again with the threats! Merlin, you can be hard work this time of the month!

**Remus:** Say that again and I will force feed you acid.

**James:** Is it actually possible for you to say two consecutive things that don't involve threatening Padfoot?

**Remus:** Is it actually possible for Padfoot to say one consecutive thing that doesn't annoy me?

**James:** ...no.

**Remus:** Then no.

**Sirius:** Moving on, I believe we were about to vote on names for Prongs/Moony's hypothetical mate's hypothetical brother. To avoid giving Moony the chance at another nasty comment, I'm just going to name him myself. Let's just say, for argument's sake, he was called Regulus. And, purely hypothetically, a very carefully arranged set of circumstances led him to be wandering down the same hypothetical corridor as the Prongs/Moony creature.

**James:** I thought the walking was hypothetical, not the corridor.

**Sirius:** ...meanwhile, the evil mastermind behind the circumstances that led to the hypothetical stroll down the corridor which is arguably hypothetical as well, was hiding under a mysterious cloak he'd borrowed from one of his other friends, who was, let's just say, called James.

**James:** Hey, that's just like my name!

**Remus:** You would get along really well with my friend Padfoot. But I'm not going to introduce you, because I'm too scared of possible consequences that could stretch out over several years of schooling and become borderline disastrous.

**James:** It's okay, Moony, you don't have to worry. I already know Padfoot.

**Remus:** I know. That's what I would have said at the start of first year if I could see the future. I keep thinking that maybe if I wish hard enough...

**Sirius:** If you really believed in 'wishing hard enough' you wouldn't be a...thing.

**Remus:** What a flattering description of my medical condition. Did I mention that it manifests as a killer?

**Sirius:** Several times.

**Remus:** Just checking.

**James:** Anyway, we were just getting to the good bit of the story. The part with the guy called 'James'.

**Sirius:** Yeah, he leant your hypothetical mate his mysterious cloak. The cloak allowed the wearer to become invisible.

**James:** Hey, that's really weird, because I have a cloak just like that!

**Remus:** *facepalm* Any chance of that killing you offered, Pads?

**Sirius:** Sorry, mate, but somebody said I was scared of flobberworm mucus.

**Remus:** Okay, I did not say you were scared of flobberworm mucus. I said flobberworms in general.

**Sirius:** I don't care. I'm far too offended to kill you.

**Remus:** Usually being pissed at someone makes it easier to kill them.

**James:** Hey, no killing! I won't get to hear the rest of the story if Padfoot gets carted off to Azkaban for murdering the only other witness.

**Sirius:** It's not murder if he asks me too. It's the sympathetic removal of life.

**James: **And who is going to testify that at your trial?

**Sirius:** Moony will.

**Remus:** Sorry, mate, but somebody 'sympathetically removed my life'.

**Sirius:** Well then, you will testify yourself, Prongs.

**James:** Why would I do that?

**Sirius:** Because if you don't you'll never hear the rest of the story.

**Remus:** How about you just tell the story now, and save everyone the trouble?

**Sirius:** But the story is now my only bargaining chip! I'm not telling it until Prongs swears to testify at my trial.

**James:** Moony, why don't you tell me the story? I'm sure it will take less time.

**Remus:** The prospect of reliving such a traumatic experience is far too painful. I can't talk about it.

**James:** Oh, so it was traumatic, now?

**Remus:** ...it ends with Bertha Jorkins catching me crawling out of a broom cupboard with Padfoot.

**James:** Oh yeah. Fine. Padfoot, I swear by the solemn oath of the Marauders that if you tell me the story now, I will testify for you at your trial.

**Sirius:** Thank you. Anyway, James had lent your hypothetical mate his invisibility cloak- something you had specifically ordered him not to do when you were in such a pissy mood. So when Regulus suddenly drops to the ground covered in hives, you figure out what's going on and get even angrier. Then, as if things weren't bad enough, you hear Slughorn approaching with a student. Somebody invisible- and you've got a pretty good idea who it is- saves your neck by dragging you into a broom cupboard. Slughorn sees Regulus and forgets all the other things he was doing, because Regulus is in the Slug Club.

**Remus:** Are you sure this situation is hypothetical?

**Sirius:** ...just before Slughorn can see you, your friend drags you into a broom cupboard. The student (who we will call Bertha, just for the sake of it) sees your feet going in and the door slamming shut, but Slughorn doesn't notice. He instructs Bertha to stay with Regulus while he fetches an antidote to the hives. Inside the cupboard, your hypothetical mate removes the cloak and starts laughing. What do you do?

**James:** I start laughing as well?

**Sirius:** Remember, you're hypothetically Moony.

**James:** I start trying to skin you alive?

**Sirius:** That's a little closer to the mark. Your friend obviously realises that he's far too handsome for such a skinning, so he starts fighting back, which leads to quite a racket coming from the cupboard. As well as the angry, troll-like grunts you make whenever one of you gets hit. Fortunately, Slughorn chooses that moment to come back, and he gives Reg the antidote and leaves.

**Remus:** How very convenient.

**Sirius:** I hate you.

**Remus:** Ah, finally, a mutual feeling!

**James:** So anyway, Moony and Padfoot wait til they think the coast is clear and exit the closet. Little do they know that Bertha Jorkins is still watching them from behind a statue.

**Sirius:** I thought you didn't know the story.

**Remus:** He guessed.

**James:** How did you know?

**Remus:** Lucky guess.

James: So, wait a minute. That's why Moony wants to hack off your hair?

**Sirius: **Quite possibly.

**James:** Moony, that's an overreaction. I think disembowelment is punishment enough for inadvertently starting rumours.

**Remus:** Alright then. Two disembowelments it is.

**James:** Two?

**Remus:** You're in the line.

**James:** Come on, Moony. It's not that bad. Remember last year when everyone thought Padfoot and _I_ were thrashing around in broom cupboards?

**Remus:** Unfortunately.

**James:** We sorted that out quickly enough.

**Remus:** You staged a theatrical break up, complete with screaming at each other across the great hall and both of you dissolving into tears.

**James:** Yeah, and then we said that if anyone else thought starting a rumour like that was funny, we could always make it rain toilet water in their common room.

**Sirius:** Actually, that's not a bad idea. Hufflepuff are the ones spreading these rumours, you say?

**James:** Correct.

**Sirius:** We should do it now, while they're all in their classes.

**Remus:** Or we could pay attention for the last half hour of History of Magic.

**James:** ...whose turn is it to be ill?

**Sirius:** Moony's.

**Remus:** I will have no part in this.

**Sirius:** Then Wormtail's.

**Remus:** He's already in the hospital wing, you idiots. That's why he's not here.

**Sirius:** Dammit!

**James: **Why is he in the hospital wing, anyway?

**Sirius: **He got bitten by a dog.

**Remus: **I suppose it was just a completely random, large black dog in our dorm?

**Sirius:** Something like that, yeah.

**James: **Why did this dog bite him?

**Sirius: **He was probably being an annoying twat.

**Remus: **You're just speculating, are you?

**Sirius: **Absolutely. I really wouldn't have a clue whether or not Wormtail was provoking a hung over dog at five in the morning.

**Remus: **Hung over? Really, Pads?

**Sirius: **Well our secret stash of firewhiskey wasn't going to drink itself, and since we're going to Hogsmeade this weekend anyway, I thought I may as well-

**Remus: **Lucky you. I don't get to go to Hogsmeade. Thanks to the bloody moon.

**Sirius: **Oi, it's not my fault Saturday is a full moon!

**Remus: **Keep your voice down!

**Sirius: **Don't you get snappy with me!

**James: **Will you two stop it? You sound like an old married couple!

**Sirius: **Don't- married? Really, Prongs? You had to say that?

**James: **Well you are.

**Remus: **I'd have thought you would be more offended by 'old' than by 'married' Padfoot.

**Sirius: **Not another word, Lupin.

**James:** _Anyway_, Padfoot. How about you complain that you feel dizzy, and I'll stun you?

**Sirius:** I dunno. Passing out is a little dramatic.

**Remus:** That'll be right up your alley then.

**Sirius:** If you're not going to help us, can you at least go back to taking notes so we can copy you later?

**Remus:** ...no.

**James:** Fine. Not like we don't already know this stuff anyway. Padfoot was right; you are really tetchy around full moon.

**Remus:** I wonder why that could be.

**James:** Probably your bloody lycanthropy.

**Remus:** That was sarcasm, Prongs.

**James:** Well how am I supposed to know that?

**Sirius:** Because everything he says is sarcastic. Especially when he's in a bad mood because of his- what did you call it the other day? Furry little problem. He thinks he's dreaming, and one day he'll wake up and find himself all alone.

**Remus:** If having you as a friend is a dream, it's probably a nightmare.

**Sirius:** Are you serious? Well, no, I'm Sirius, but whatever.

**Remus:** *sigh* yep, definitely a nightmare.

**James:** ...right. Well, there's no need to worry about being lonely, Moony. You've got us. We'll never leave you alone for longer than a minute, that's a promise.

**Remus:** ...with that sentence, you just took away what remained of my will to continue living.


End file.
